When the kids are grown up, and your career is at an end, you might feel unprepared for the resulting vacuum. It’s disturbing. You’re facing The Void.

For many people, it’s unexpected. They might have dreamed of being free from work and parenting duties. But once it’s here, it can be disorienting.

It’s like looking at a huge blank canvas without any idea how or what to paint.

It brings up big questions, like:

• Who am I without the previous roles that defined me?
• What do I do with my time?
• What’s my purpose?

These aren’t easy questions. They take time to explore, so you may be in The Void for a while, which is uncomfortable. Our brains don’t like not knowing who, what, or when. They tend to prefer the familiar.

Mothers, in particular, may fall back on their parenting role to avoid facing The Void.

After all, our children are very compelling, no matter what age they are. It’s easy to seek connection and purpose from them.

The truth is that while our kids outgrow us, we moms never really outgrow the impulse to nurture and help our kids. We have to resist an urge that feels natural but may lead us to avoid creating a meaningful life separate from them.

When grandchildren come along, it can make this trickier. Your kids may be welcoming of your grandparental involvement. It’s a powerful pull on both sides that provides you with a sense of purpose.

That pull makes it harder to ask the tough question: Are you avoiding The Void?

How to know if you’re avoiding The Void

Here are a couple of ways you can tell:

1. When you try to connect with your adult kids, they get irritable, distant, or downright angry with you. You feel criticized and rejected. Your world feels empty and dull as a result.

In this scenario, if they’re not interested in having you around, your kids may let you know in ways that are painful. They may lash out and deprive you of what you may think of as your right. It feels harsh. Or they may avoid you altogether.

These could be ways of them saying, “Don’t use me or my family to fill your emptiness. Get your own life.” They may experience you as needy and intrusive.

Parental neediness comes through in your tone, expression, and “vibe” as much as your actions. It conveys the message, “I need you to be a certain way so that I can be happy. You’re not doing it. You’re letting me down.”

They don’t want to be the source of your happiness. It places too big of a burden on them. They need to focus on the challenges of being an adult, not on you.

As painful as it is, you might consider seeing it as a good thing that they’re pushing you away. They’re fighting to grow up, so to speak.

2. Your kids welcome your involvement. But you wonder, “Is this best for them? Am I doing this for them or for me?”

In this scenario, there may appear to be no problem. Your kids let you help out and seem to want you around, which feels great. But at times you wonder if you’re enabling them to depend on you. Or you may notice a secret sense of relief that their needs fill your time. It keeps you from having to face The Void.

If you’re thinking these things, it’s likely your kids are uneasy about how much they lean on you, too. They may be taking the path of least resistance by accepting your help—who wouldn’t? In the process, though, they may be trying to spare each of you the discomfort of the alternative.

The alternative for them is finding out if they can handle their difficulties without you. If Mom steps in, they don’t have to draw on their own strength, resourcefulness, and resilience.

For you, the alternative is the discomfort of facing The Void. Oh yeah. That again.

Sooner or later, you’ll have to face The Void.

If grandparenting has given you a sense of purpose, the time will likely come when you won’t be needed in the same way. The Void will be waiting.

No matter what, adult kids need their parents to lead fulfilling lives that don’t depend on them. It frees them up to be fully themselves.

I had two loving parents, but they were “needy.” It was clear that their happiness was dependent on me — on my phone calls, visits, and letters. I also felt that no matter how much or for how long I showed up, it didn’t fill the void I sensed in them. It was a burden and a drain.

It is no surprise that I lived on the opposite coast!

I don’t want my kids to feel that way. I want them to feel free to live their lives without the yoke of responsibility for filling a hole in my life. I want them to spend time with me because it’s enjoyable for them, with no strings attached.

That’s been a big motivator for me to focus on finding my own happiness separate from them.

Getting a life takes work.

Don’t get me wrong. I love being around my kids. When they’re with me, it’s like the sun breaking through on a chilly winter day after months of grey. I am warmed and filled, and all is right with the world. I’m as tempted as anyone else to revolve my world around them.

I am determined, though, not to burden them with being the source of my happiness. I discipline myself to focus on finding fulfillment in other areas. It’s the best way to be the loving parent I want to be at this stage of life.

Here’s what that shift in focus looks like for me:

I check with myself often: am I living a life I love? What do I need to change in order for the answer to that question to be a resounding, “Yes”? I challenge myself to learn new skills (like writing for Medium!). I nurture relationships with people I enjoy. I pursue my interests. I make a point of finding ways to put my core values into action.

I adjust my expectations around traditional family holidays, although it’s not easy. If they’re busy at those times, I focus on what’s positive, such as other visits we’ve had or a great phone call. I coach myself not to take their choices personally. I create experiences that are enjoyable regardless of their presence.

I practice focusing on quality over quantity. If they visit for an afternoon, I see it as precious as a week. I remind myself to enjoy the surprise element of their unplanned visits. I’ve learned to go with the flow.

The reward? When they choose to spend time with me, I know it’s because they want to. It’s not a burdensome obligation. It’s a joyful reunion. That means a lot. For me, that’s being the loving mother I want to be.

How to discover a fulfilling life apart from your kids

First, it’s important to accept that this is an uncomfortable place to be for a while. It’s natural. Allow yourself to feel like a beginner, unsure and open, a little wobbly as you find your way.

Next, think of it as a treasure hunt. You’re searching for sparks of possibility that point to what you’d love to do or explore.

What will give your life the most meaning and juice during this particular chapter? How exactly do you want to spend your time? What would bring you joy?

Third, make an inventory of what matters most to you apart from being a loving parent.

Is being a caring family member important? Think about extended family members who would appreciate connecting and need companionship.

Is being a good friend important? Are there friends you’ve lost touch with? Now is the time to catch up. Consider visiting, even if they live on the other side of the country. You may know someone who’s going through a hard time. Make a point of reaching out.

Is contributing to your community important? Walking dogs at your local animal shelter gives needed attention to the furry ones. Bringing Meals On Wheels to elderly people who are isolated brings friendship and joy. Look for community projects that spark your interest.

Other questions to ask yourself on your Treasure Hunt:

Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but didn’t have the time or stopped yourself?

What do you want to be remembered for? Are you taking action on that?

What are your interests? Birds? Hiking? Gardening? Dancing? Spiritually growing?

Where are people with those interests gathering? Look for clues.

You may have a long-hidden desire to be an artist. Wait no longer! Take a course online or choose a tutorial on YouTube and start drawing. Even better, attend an in-person class and leave the house.

Or you may have a spirit of adventure that you had to put aside. How can you put that into action, whether staying close to home or traveling afar?

You may want to contribute to your community. Keep an ear out for interesting volunteer options or local community projects.

The point is that there is so much more to living a fulfilling life than parenting, as rewarding as it has been. This is your time to find that out.

Think of it as a delicious time to try new things, resurrect early longings, and reinvent yourself!

Are you willing to create a fulfilling life separate from your kids?

Encountering The Void may seem daunting, but it holds the key to a fulfilling life. It can make the next chapter alive and vibrant, like an epic third act. It can be a time of discovering or re-discovering interests that have gone dormant. The first step is to be willing to embark on the journey.

Leaving behind your work identity and parental role opens up new possibilities. It can lead to personal growth and enjoyment beyond what you had imagined.

Just as important, enjoying your life lets your kids live theirs. It also sets a good role model for them when their kids are grown.

I encourage you to give yourself frequent permission to ask: How can I have as much fun as possible? I mean, why not? And if not now, when?