It’s easier than you think.

If you’re like me, you have an inner critic that won’t leave you alone. It’s that negative self-talk that keeps telling you what’s wrong with you.

Mine whispers in my ear so quietly it’s more like an infusion than a whisper. It can be so subtle I don’t even notice. It nibbles at me relentlessly; no matter what I do, it’s never satisfied.

You’d think it would let up, now that I’m in the third act of my life. At this point, I supposedly get to do what I want to do, not what I have to do. I should be allowed off the hook.

But my inner critic doesn’t seem to see it that way.

I’ve been on this planet for close to seven decades. I’ve done a lot of personal work on myself. It still hasn’t given up its relentless attacks.

Its message is powerful: You’re doing it wrong, you’re not good enough, you’re falling short, you should be doing more, you’re goofing off, you’re not trying hard enough, you’re not generous enough, you’re not creative enough, you’re too _________ (fill in the blank with the critical word of the moment).

Sound familiar?

Recently, I heard this radical suggestion: take a moment to stop and ask yourself, “How can I be a good friend to myself right now?”

It’s so simple. And so…friendly. Pretty much the opposite of my inner critic.

How often do you ask yourself that? Do you ever?

I haven’t. It hasn’t occurred to me. I’m too busy beating myself up.

I don’t have a problem asking other people, “How can I be a good friend to you right now?” That’s a no-brainer. I’m happy to offer encouragement, remind them of their strengths, and offer the perspective that a good friend can have when they lose it.

But I don’t get that question asked of me by me, especially when I could use it most — in the challenging moments.

What’s up with that?

To ask, “How can I be a good friend to myself right now?” seems like a shockingly delightful way to make my inner critic clam up.

I hear my sweet brain saying, “Really? Do you mean I can really ask myself that question and listen to the loving response in return?”

Because good friends are loving. They don’t crack a whip and say, “Faster, faster.” They offer encouragement, comfort, and reassurance. They are cheerleaders, not beraters.

They see when you’re being too hard on yourself. They see your goodness. They love you for who you are, not for what you do. They want you to be happy, not tortured. They encourage you but keep your overall well-being in view.

What if you could cultivate that loving attitude toward yourself?

Times when it can be helpful

I can’t imagine there’s anyone on the planet who wouldn’t love to hear this gentle question. When could you use it most?

• When you’re feeling anxious that you’re not doing enough.
• When you’re stressed out because you made a mistake.
• When you feel lonely or rejected.
• When you feel stupid or confused or like a loser.
• When you’re exhausted but you keep pushing.

You get the idea. Any time you feel contracted, down, discouraged, gloomy, uncertain, or weary. Because aren’t these the times when any of us could use a good friend?

Guess what? You have one right inside, waiting to support you. No phone call. No text. Just ask.

What might it look like?

The hardest step is to catch yourself needing this powerful antidote to your inner critic. Next is to remember to ask the question.

I tried it out.

Yesterday, I was in the doldrums. When I’m in the doldrums, it’s hard to motivate myself to do anything. This is especially true for writing, a practice I’m trying to do daily.

Some people say to sit down, plow through, and do it no matter what. That makes sense. Most of the time, it’s good advice. But sometimes, the doldrum hole is too deep, and I can’t get there. My inner critic was berating me for not following it.

“Jill, what’s up with you? You’re supposed to be working on that blog for your website. Are you flaking out? Are you giving up again?” (Those last questions come with a sneer.)

(I feel bad. It’s not motivating. It’s demoralizing. My energy goes further down the drain.)

But then it hit me: “Wait! This is one of those times. How can I be a good friend to myself right now?”

It was like the sun coming through on a cloudy grey day. That new voice said, “What would feel nourishing right now? Would you like to go lie down and do a crossword puzzle? It’s okay to back off and do something else for a while.”

Ah! Yes! I accepted that loving encouragement. Not easy for a demanding doer like me.

The shift brought a softness, and suddenly, the world felt friendlier. Asking changed the critical vibe. It opened up possibilities to help restore my motivation and kindness toward myself.

Let’s face it: when you’re whipping yourself, it’s impossible to be creative or to focus.

The doldrums lifted by the next day. Here I am writing again. Listening to my inner good friend stopped that negative spiral.

Fear: I won’t get anything done

Is this a fear that comes up for you? I can relate. I worry that if I listen to my inner good friend, she’ll be too easy on me, and I’ll goof off completely. I’ll never get anything done.

Research shows that a lot of people feel this way.

Kristen Neff is a researcher on self-compassion. She has identified a mistaken belief that self-criticism keeps us in line. This belief comes from a cultural message that being hard on ourselves is best. Anything else is “self-indulgent.”

That belief can backfire.

You might say that the motivation of self-compassion arises from love, while the motivation of self-criticism arises from fear. To the extent that self-criticism does work as a motivator, it’s because we’re driven by the desire to avoid self-judgment when we fail. But if we know that failure will be met with a barrage of self-criticism, sometimes it can be too frightening to even try. This is why self-criticism is associated with underachievement and self-handicapping strategies like procrastination (Powers, Koestner & Zuroff, 2007).

Aha! So your inner critic isn’t helping! It’s hampering you. But you may have suspected that already. Cultivating your inner good friend is a good idea after all.

Think about it. A good friend asks you loving questions and encourages you to truthfully reflect on yourself. For example, they might ask, “Are you avoiding that because you’re afraid?” This might be followed by, “That’s totally natural. But I know you can do it! I believe in you! You have everything you need. What would help right now?”

Being a good friend to yourself all day

Imagine moving through your life feeling accepted, valued, loved, and encouraged. What would that be like?

If you can remember to ask yourself repeatedly throughout the day, “How can I be a good friend to myself right now?” that could become a possibility, at least some of the time. At least more of the time!

You’d be living in a kinder, gentler way. Your edges would be softer. You’d be less hard on yourself and the people around you. You’d be happier.

Remember! Your inner critic can just as easily turn outward towards others as it does on you. It’s primed to see the world through a negative lens.

In this harsh world, we all need to nurture kindness. We need more self-compassion and compassion towards others. Not more hard ambition at any cost.

When I think about the core of how I want to live, it is to be loving. This means being loving toward others and myself. It also means being joyful and grateful, even when facing challenges.

And given that this is the last stretch of this life journey, if not not, when?

My inner good friend is my ally in this intention.